Everybody knows the clichés and stereotypes when it comes to British and American differences: Americans are individualistic, the British are old-fashioned and resistant to change, Americans don’t do international travel, the British have bad teeth, etc. and sometimes there is a degree of truth in them. But now and again you come across differences that do not feature in the cliché handbook, which, despite being subtle, are no less powerful. One thing that is a bit of a shock to the system is that, generally speaking, there is a different concept of family in the US to the UK, which comes as a bit of a surprise, as you somehow expect that it is going to be in a similar Anglo-Saxon mould.
This is going to be a tough one to explain and put into words, but I will do my best. In general terms, the USA is much more family orientated than the UK and their family values are different. Families really are the building block of this young, immigrant country. There are lots more family-orientated things to do and members of families are more interlinked and interdependent in the US. The bonds also carry on throughout adulthood to a stronger degree.
The obvious explanation for this from a British point of view is that the family thing is there for purely practical and sociological reasons: firstly the US is more religious and traditional in some ways and the churches emphasize family values and family life, and secondly, there isn’t much of a social safety net, or government help generally, so if someone gets sick or loses their job, they are dependent on their family much more than they are in the UK. The “obvious” answer falls short, however, in my opinion and the true answer I suspect is a lot more complex and goes deeper, as many Americans relish the family structure and interdependence - in short I would say that the idea of family is a cherished part of American culture, as well as it having practical benefits.
British family values are different, I’ve realized. British culture generally places a lot more emphasis on the idea of being “emotionally independent” (rather than the “practical independence” promoted in American culture). In generalized terms, the Brits place more importance on individuals being able to cope emotionally on their own. It is easy to buy into the stereotype of Americans being individualistic, but in terms of families, they are certainly not, methinks – certainly if you compare them to Brits.
My wife has talked to me a bit about British culture from an American perspective. One thing that she mentioned was how alien the British public schools system seem to an American (confusingly, the term, “public school” in the UK refers to the elite fee-paying private schools), where the environment is influenced by ancient Spartan style deprivations that are meant to be character building. I did explain to my wife that in the British class system, the public school culture is a minority one and seems alien to most Brits too – as most of us are educated differently. But her point was still valid, I realized. The public schools system is really just the extreme end of stream of thought that runs right through British culture.
I guess this is probably one reason why the Brits can seem aloof and reserved to other cultures and why Americans can seem a little schmaltzy to Brits (I probably shouldn’t mix metaphors by throwing in a Yiddish term, but there you go!).
I don’t pretend to fully understand all this to be frank. I cannot get inside an American head, at the end of the day, and most Americans have a limited experience of British culture firsthand, so they don’t necessarily know exactly where I am coming from either (my wife being an exception). I could say that the American concept of family seems more akin to the Southern European one (e.g. Italian) than the protestant Northern European, but that wouldn’t be quite true either. I guess the only thing that I know for certain is that the concept of family is not quite the same here to what it is back in Blighty and that came as a slight surprise to me.
Thanks for this post. You have managed to draw out some very key points, and have raised some fascinating questions.
ReplyDeleteTwo things stand out in this post, and articulate what I've experienced as an American expat married to a Brit. One, you mentioned "ancient Spartan style deprivations that are meant to be character building." This notion of deprivation, to me, seems to run through the culture at large, but I can see where the elite schools would foster it in an intensified form. I could list about twenty examples of this spartan deprivation that play a large part in my culture shock on a daily level: (not wearing warm enough clothes and walking around in the rain, for one, priding oneself on the ability to withstand the elements). In the context of American culture, we would see raising children to withstand spartan deprivation to be cruel and non-nurturing, even though American culture fosters neglect in many other areas.
To me, British culture seems to hold stoicism and lack of expression in the highest regard. Perhaps the British family seeks to cultivate this and pass these values on to their children? Maybe this is a key value here? It's not in the States. Success is perhaps the most valued trait, but in a "whatever that might look like for you" kind of way, which, yes, is schmaltzy sometimes and Hollywoodized to death.
The notion of being emotionally independent makes a great deal of sense, and I think you hit the nail on the head here. Americans value self-reliance more than individuality, I'd say, but the emotional part varies from family to family. It may be harder to generalize about American families since American culture is so diverse. Intersections of geography, class, race, and personality create many different family dynamics. Since the sixties, the notion of open communication and family closeness has been valued more and more--the notion of "understanding" and accepting/supporting one another. This doesn't seem to be a factor in British culture. Maybe we have different ideas about intimacy entirely.
Last--just have to bring up the issue of living with one's family. This is a profound difference. There is a significant stigma, especially for a man, to live with his family after college, and sometimes even during college. Autonomy is expected whenever possible. I'm temping in London right now, and am one of about four out of sixty staff members over the age of 27. (I am well over 27.) Many (if not most) young workers there still live at home, and I'm amazed at the differences in their lives compared to mine in my twenties. In many ways, they seem easier--less stress about paying all the bills, for one. But I'm also grateful for my autonomy. I feel that I grew up, in some ways, much faster than these kids have. They seem like teenagers to me. Not having to strike out on your own to prove yourself (as Americans are expected to do) may lead to different ideas about maturity as well.
@taramoyle - I am aware that it is hard, nay impossible to generalize about American culture as it's completely diverse, but it's fun to do so, even though one can quite clearly pick holes in my approach! ;-)
ReplyDeleteRegarding the treatment of children in Britain, all I will say is: you should have seen the stuff that went down in Britain before the 1960s! :-)
Although Americans are less stoical generally, there is a stoical strain, expressed so beautifully by writers such as Hemingway.
With respect to your thoughts on leaving home, London is one of the most expensive cities in the world. Even back in the 80s, when housing was relatively cheaper, I knew lots of people who still lived with their parents in London as adults (I lived in a run down squat in Hackney, when I lived there). That wasn't common in the rest of the country, where the stigma about staying with your parents was and is as strong as ever. London is very different from the rest of the UK (rather like NYC and America), although as housing prices have increased, adults staying at home has been happening more and more around the UK.
I still find it difficult to imagine Americans electing a leader who doesn't possess a family, such as an Edward Heath type figure (lifelong batchelor with no kids, maybe gay). But having said that, no one thought we'd see a black president in our lifetimes, so there you go! ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou put into words what I could never express without bias - that as much Americans value individuality, familial interdependence is very strong. My view as a Dutch immigrant (granted I was very young) is that the general American culture prides themselves on individuality and independence, but everywhere you look, no one speaks out against their bosses for the very real fear that they will get the axe. Friends are actually acquaintances who can very easily be your enemy and those relationships exist for their usefulness and even for social reasons. But I see all this from a nearly life-long California perspective and lately I am coming to know that the real traditional American is the religious and close knit family, people that stand against the tide, people willing to risk to pursue their dreams and the lone cowboy - a stereotype I identify myself with more and more.
ReplyDeleteI do love America but will never truly understand mainstream America. It is fair to note, although I think I understand my Dutch family, I would probably never completely fit in there either!
I hope my comment wasn't too personal or out of line since I am speaking about my Dutch / American experience, but I find a common ground in the cultural alien experience in the US.
That's a very astute piece there, Paul. I've always felt there was a difference in perception/experience there between me and my American friends. This also goes a long way to explaining why the States feel so much more child friendly than most of Europe.
ReplyDeleteGeorg
I wouldn't say that Europe is less child friendly as opposed that European adults don't adopt a Disney/ Kids animator approach to interacting with children and that we expose them to a more grown up world. However, more children orientated/ themed places have started cropping up within the past decade. I live in England, but travel to Greece a lot.
Delete@ Alexander - Thanks for your comment and coming over from HubPages. I appreciate hearing from a Dutch immigrant who's been in the US for a long time. One thing that you also you hit on is that the idea of friendship is subtley different in the US too - perhaps I should do that in another blog? I saw the US comedian Reginald D Hunter do an hilarious skit on how disloyal the Brits can seem towards their friends, from an American perspective, where loyalty is much prized.
ReplyDeleteThe Florida landscape reminds me of The Netherlands in a funny sort of way, probably because they are both so flat! hehe!
@Georg - Thanks for the positive comment. I can sometimes feel that I'm interpreted as being negative about US culture, which isn't actually the intention. there is good and bad in all countries and cultures. I enjoy the uniqueness of the US.
In a weird way, I kind of understand my American friends back in the UK better now: you kind of develop a double approach to things. I think back to one American friend saying how, having lived in the UK for a long time, he completely understood and appreciate the European negative attitude towards guns and gun ownership, and yet at the same time, he maintained his deep attachment to them as an American.
I really enjoy reading your posts when you compare the two countries! So interesting. I really wasn't sure which was you were going to go on this. But I guess you are right. With more government assistance overseas, you don't have to rely on family as heavily. Great post!
ReplyDeleteA fascinating post Paul,
ReplyDeleteSome thoughts which occur to me -
Your description of American culture and family seems to me to be something which existed here much more strongly when I was growing up but which we seem to have lost over the years.
I suspect too that it still exists very much in the Celtic cultures rather more than in the English culture. I certainly find that the appreciation of friendship and loyalty of friendship still remains prevalent in the Celtic culture.
As to the class thing, that is very definitely an English trait. I found it quite difficult to get used to when I first moved to England!!
David
@David Yes, you are probably right, David. Although, I say "British", in many ways I just mean "English". My knowledge of Scotland and Wales is relatively limited and I've never even been to the North of Ireland.
ReplyDeleteIn some ways, the politeness etc in the US reminds me of things that England lost in the 1960s - because of the class war, we decided to stop saying "Yes ma'am" and "thankyou ma'am" and in the process, threw the baby out with the bath water and lost much of our general civility. Having said that, there are big differences according to where you are and whether it's in an urban or country setting in the UK. When I was in Yorkshire, I was treated completely differently in the supermarket in Headingley to how I was in Otley 10 miles up the road.
Having said all that, the social structure is still different in the US.
@Texa - Well I think it runs deeper than that and I wonder if it is rooted in the early days of the US? The blog post was partly inspired by re-reading "Cannery Row" by John Steinbeck, which is about how people survive tough conditions in the US through banding together.
ReplyDeletePS I love your blog too, Texa! You certainly move around the world quite a bit! :-)
ReplyDelete@everyone - I love getting comments from different nationalities! American, Dutch-American, German, Ulsterman...
ReplyDelete"I still find it difficult to imagine Americans electing a leader who doesn't possess a family such as an Edward Heath type figure (lifelong batchelor with no kids, maybe gay).."
ReplyDeleteUm, You mean like James Buchanan the 15th president of the U.S.
I have to agree that Americans seem to have a lot in common with the Italian concept of family and also for a nation that are not into international travel, there sure are a lot of Americans in Italy both living here and as tourists.
ReplyDeleteThankyou for commenting on, thereby showing your appreciation of my Amy Winehouse Tribute.
@Anon - hehe! I knew there would probably be one exception from the past, thanks for finding it! :-)
ReplyDelete@Lindy - Although I do think the American work ethic works against families sometimes, as people get so little free time off work, compared to Europeans!
I am still cut up about Amy! So sad, though not a big shock in many ways, you always hope people will pull through!
Interesting, I've always felt the same. I often think children are "mollycoddled" here compared to the way British children were brought up (I suspect it's changing rapidly). With regards to emotional independence, I think huge swathes of northern/Germanic Europe share our isolationist attitudes. Scandinavia for instance is just as stoic if not more so than Britain. I suspect there is a deep-rooted cultural/geographical reason for this.
ReplyDeleteMy granddad always said Americans are a bit "airy fairy" when it came to family, though now I'm married into a big Italian American family I really appreciate the large support network!
You do wonder if there is a "climate thing" that goes on with the stoic culture. Even within the UK, the culture of the North of England is more stoical than the south, and the Scots are maybe even more hardened in their outlook.
ReplyDeleteIt's a slight digression, but I remember the Brit comedian, Kenneth Williams explaining different national accents in terms of climate. I often think that with the Southern drawl down here in the US - it just seems to fit the climate so perfectly! :-)
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DeleteI was going to say with the North/South divide it has always been about the economic and class difference. The North of England has always had it a bit rougher than the South so naturally the stereotype of the hard, stoical Northern man from a day on the sea or down the mine comes into play. Whilst the home counties and London have bred the image of the wealthy aristocrat spending the day shopping or in the club so are seen as pansies and weaklings. Although, this image discounts the numerous working class people down South.
DeleteI was struck by the news following the horrific happenings in Norway of just how little emotion was displayed by anyone. Even in events as tragic as those the "stiff upper lip" was prevalent.
ReplyDeleteWow, I've never heard of this difference! It does make a few things make more sense, though. For instance, I've always noticed the remarkable absence of children in many British TV shows--in America practically everything centers around family dynamics. You've given me some food for thought.
ReplyDelete-Abigail
www.PictureBritain.com
Yes, that's an interesting thought about children and TV. I wrote this blog post about a year ago but I haven't changed my mind. Children have a higher status in the US. Although Britain has got more and more liberal with kids, there is still more of 'children should know their place' type of attitude than the US and overall it is stricter. The UK does have its share of "feral" kids too, of course, who have very little parental guidance, but they are a minority.
Deletethis is so boring :/
ReplyDeleteI find this whole discussion interesting because it seems that there is a lot of taking the seeming American norm at face value and not really looking historically, anthropologically, or even in a more broadly cross-cultural way at the reasons it might have developed.
ReplyDeleteA major, major dynamic in American culture is compensation for or deliberate creation of the social and cultural stuff that either got uprooted on the way over, in the adjustment, or in the mobility of American life. So, we obsess about intact families because historically and culturally many American families *aren't* intact at even the nuclear level, let alone preserve a sort of Old World multi-generational structure. East Asians are convinced that American adult children throw their elderly parents in nursing homes. That isn't really true, but it does point to a very nuclear-focused modern American conception. Then of course there is the history and prevalent of divorce, no fault. Easy come, easy go. One has to be more direct and openly affective in a society with such loose social bonds, where families can and do move hundreds of miles during kids' childhoods, where kids can and do go hundreds or thousands of miles away for higher education, and then end up staying there.